i feel very restless today. strange - lately i'm either slothful or restless, no in between. i can't get off the couch (though i don't know where i'd rather be or what i'd rather be doing) or i can't stay on it (but have no idea where to go). it feels imperative that i make a big decision about my life, that i choose between door number one and door number two, in order to move out of this limbo i'm in. i have to take the right fork or the left fork - the path straight ahead has come to an end.
knowing i have to do something to calm my nerves and distract myself from my inertia, i head to a park close by, leaving the dog, the laundry and the empty house. even making that small decision has a positive effect on my outlook. i take the situation in hand. a positive step.
it is autumn. it was my mother's favorite season, and it is mine. while many see this time of year as a harbinger of the cold, white dead of winter and so dread its coming, i feel energized by all that it brings. i walk around the man-made lake and breathe in the crisp, cleansing air. the trees that were left when the lake was dredged some 60 years ago are proudly displaying their vibrantly colored leaves and along the shoreline they are reflected in the still water. as i walk and focus on the simple yet complex beauty of the natural world, i feel the restorative influence of the season begin to dissolve the grey veil covering my soul.
as i round the first bend i see several geese in the water and one brave soul standing right next to the gravel path. i greet him and wish him well and feel emotionally lighter for having done so, perhaps because the act of reaching out is so crucial to life, even if it is "just" to a goose. truth be told, on a day like today, i'd rather be interacting with geese and ducks and the wind that scatters the leaves than doing anything else. i feel connected to something vast and important and abiding. by taking a few steps along the path, putting one foot in front of the other, i notice that my mind becomes more focused, less scattered. wallace stevens once said "perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake." there is no doubt that i feel closer to my own truth when i am here. i make a promise to myself to return as often as i can, to choose this place of calm and quiet over the passive world under the covers where i once waited for something to change.
do i know now what door to pick, what road to take? nope. i still don't have any idea. what i do know is that when the time comes for me to make a decision, i will know in my bones that it is the right one for me. as the trees of autumn let go of the changing leaves, so do i let go of old worries and fears, resting for a spell so as to re-emerge into something new and subtly different. i have found a calm and centering way to be aware of and learn from for what dr. bolen calls the "ineffable yet profoundly transformative" experiences. i am ready.